Archive for the ‘couple conflicts’ Category

Men vs. Women Some subtle (and some not so subtle) differences

October 18, 2007

Handwriting:

Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.

Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the “i” with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the “b” and “g”. It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Groceries:

Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things.

Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane.

Relationships:

Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”. Then she will get on with her life.

Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know that there’s always a chance for us.” This is known as the “I Hate You / I Love You” drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

Sex:

Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.

Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay.

Maturity:

Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.

Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Magazines:

Men: Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body.

Women: Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Bathrooms:

Men: A man has six items in his bathroom — a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

Women: The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items.

Shoes:

Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.

Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let’s not talk about how many days he’ll wear the same socks.

Cats:

Women: Women love cats.

Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

Children:

Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing Up:

Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Laundry:

Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.

Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of “Love American Style.”

Eating Out:

Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors:

Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror.

Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys’ heads.

Menopause:

Women: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.

Men: Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction – he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Phone:

Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Richard Gere:

Women: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men: Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Madonna:

Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Toys:

Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 “D” batteries to operate.

Cameras:

Men: Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.

Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

Locker Rooms:

Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room – sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Movies:

Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.

Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

Jewelry:

Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Conversation:

Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, “Wow, great movie.” or “What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.”

Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: “That garden by the roadside looks lovely.” “Mm hmm.” Pause. “That was a good restaurant last night, wasn’t it?” “Yeah.” Pause. And so on.

Leg Warmers:

Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she’s walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.

Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the “Gimme the Ball” number in “A Chorus Line.”

Friends:

Women: Women on a girls’ night out talk the whole time.

Men: Men on a boy’s night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are “Pass the Doritos” or “got any more beer?”

Restrooms:

Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who’ve never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves to use the restroom.

Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, “Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?”

Content Couples are Positive Parents

September 25, 2007

Parents want children to grow up to be happy, healthy and well adjusted. Most children in various types of families grow up without problems. But children thrive best when raised by their married parents in low-conflict relationships. A happy marriage is a great source of emotional stability and good physical health for children. Benefits to children include:

Better school performance, lower truancy and dropout rates
Better relationship skills
Fewer emotional and behavioral problems
Lower rates of substance abuse, criminal activity and delinquent behaviors
Fewer sleep and health problems
Lower rates of teen births
Adults in healthy marriages also benefit from better physical and mental health, greater wealth and satisfying intimate relationships. How can adults create and maintain healthy relationships? Regular Relationship Maintenance

Ups and Downs Are Normal. Relationships vary over time. Sometimes things are great and other times a relationship might need a tune-up to keep running smoothly. Becoming parents and raising children are often stressful for couples. Many couples find their conversations decline and conflicts increase when children arrive. It can be helpful to know that changes are normal and don’t necessarily mean your relationship is in trouble.

Effort pays off. The tools for a healthy relationship can be learned. When couples are interested and motivated they can make their relationship better. It’s a bonus that building your skills can benefit your couple relationship and also help your children thrive.

4-C’s for Content Couples
Although there are many ingredients in a happy relationship, four are especially important: commitment, contentment, communication and conflict resolution. Here are information and tools to strengthen the four C’s in your relationship.

· Commitment–Ties That Bind
A strong relationship includes a commitment to the children in the family, as well as to the couple. There is a sense of “we” instead of “me.” Committed couples feel like “we are in this together, and I can count on you.” When couples plan to be together for a lifetime, they are more likely to take care of the other person and the relationship.

Develop Rituals or Traditions. Doing things over and over again in the same way starts a tradition. These build a feeling of closeness

and belonging. It doesn’t have to be a major

event, but you will know “This is how we do things.” Ideas include goodbye and welcome back hugs and kisses, sharing a cup of coffee on Saturday mornings, or writing down and talking about the special things that have happened each year on your anniversary.

Keep a Long Term View. Remember when you first got together. What attracted you? Think about how you felt? Talk about your plans for the future. What fun things do you want to do together when you are retired?

· Contentment–It Feels Good
When asked what they want most from their relationship, many people answer “a best friend,” or a “safe haven”. People want partners who will listen, give comfort and emotional support, and lend a helping hand with all the chores and responsibilities.

Show your appreciation. Think about the things you appreciate about your spouse and tell him or her. Start your conversation with:

“I really feel loved when you…You really helped me get through…One thing about you that makes me proud is…”

Have fun together. It may be true that the couple that plays together, stays together. Pick activities that are fun for both of you–so the

time is really positive for each of you.

· Communication–Let’s Talk
Make the time to talk. Not just about who is paying the electric bill or picking up the kids after school–but discuss something you care about, your dreams, joys, or frustrations. It’s not the sheer amount of communication that is important, but the quality or nature of the communication. Positive communication is respectful and involves compromise and humor.

Don’t give advice, just listen. Listen without trying to solve the problem. Look at him or her and respond so your partner knows you have heard what’s been said.

Respect his or her opinion, even if you disagree. Listen with the intention of understanding their viewpoint without blame.

· Conflict Resolution–Acceptance
People disagree and face problems. According to John Gottman, a leader in marriage research, most marriage conflicts never get resolved. Conflicts generally occur because of basic personality or lifestyle differences between the couple so they are unsolvable. He suggests learning to cope with many problems by talking about them, and accepting your partner’s faults and limitations. That will free you to work on problems that have solutions.

Arguments don’t have to drive couples apart–it’s how you argue that makes a difference.

Have a time-out rule. Stop fights before the conflicts escalate out of control. When one partner does not want to continue the discussion say, “Time out.” Knowing this option is available will keep you from feeling trapped.

Set another time to continue the discussion so the issue isn’t left hanging indefinitely. It gives you a cooling off time before things get too hot, then you can come back and resume the conversation calmly. Don’t completely avoid dealing with a tough problem before it gets out of hand.

Healthy couple relationships require work but are a worthwhile investment for children and for adults.